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Title: Little white flowers
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: CSI Vegas
Pairing: Sara/Sofia
Rating: PG for now
Disclaimer: Don't own any thing.
Summary: I
nspired by the song “Gloomy Sunday” Hence the lyrics interspersed throughout the narrative. Set around Season 5- ish, not long after Sofia arrived. ** Warning for character death**.
AN : In addition to being cold, Sara also comes across rather pathetic, and I can hear you all saying "Aww poor Sofia loves her so much" But I can't help it, I do understand Sara. Take heart, she does love Sofia too, She just isn't certain how to show it.
AN:2  I've run out of lyrics to title the chapters with, as this fic took on a life of it's own....

1,2,3,4,5 carlyisnot.livejournal.com/23122.html
6,7,8,9 carlyisnot.livejournal.com/23640.html
10&11 carlyisnot.livejournal.com/25745.html


Chapter 12


Sofia had been confused when she received the suspension notice from her supervisor.


What's this about?” She asked.


A pending investigation of the officer Bell incident. There have been some inconsistencies with the evidence that have been brought to light.”


What?” Sofia asked confused.


The evidence has been tampered with. The conclusions are no longer valid.”


A sick feeling came over Sofia “You mean, I did kill him?” Sofia asked.


We may never know. The evidence has been compromised. It's not the matter of the shooting that is under investigation. It's been ruled as an accident. It's the matter of the corrupted evidence that is of concern to the department.”


You think I had something to do with it?” Sofia asked, incredulously.


You are the one with the vested interest in clearing your name.”


That's insane.” Sofia protested.


You did visit the crime lab while you were on administrative leave.”


What?” Sofia was shocked by that.


Did you, or did you not, visit the crime lab while on administrative leave?”


Yes, but...” Had Grissom told them about her visit? No, why would he? Sara? It had to be. Just what was wrong with Sara? She had spoken so coldly to Sofia that day in the lab. When Sofia had been at her lowest point. Why had Sara gone to such lengths to hurt her? Why report her to her superiors for visiting the lab that day?


I think it's best you don't say anymore, Detective Curtis.”




What the hell is going on?” Sofia demanded as she stormed into Grissom's office. She knew it wasn't wise to be there. It would only made things look worse for her. But she needed answers.


You tell me, Sofia.” He answered, cooly.


Grissom, You know me. You really think I'd compromise evidence? You really think that of me?”


I don't know what to think, frankly.” Grissom admitted. “You haven't been yourself lately.”


What is that supposed to mean?” Sofia asked.


Your ..relationship...with Sara Sidle. You haven't displayed the best judgement.”


What has that got to do with anything?” Sofia demanded. It was about time Gil Grissom got his nose out of her personal life. But that's when it finally clicked. Sara. This was something to do with Sara. Sara had tampered with evidence? No, Sara had too much professional integrity for that.


What's going on?” Sofia asked again.


Didn't your supervisor tell you? Evidence has been sabotaged in the Officer Bell case.”


You think it was me?”


I think it was for you.” Grissom suggested


Sara?” The name catches on Sofia's tongue. Why would Sara do such a stupid thing? Throw her own career away, damage Sofia's career in the process? What for? “Sara told you I was involved in this?” Sofia asked.


On the contrary. She accepted full responsibility. Denied that you played any part.”


You don't believe her?” Sofia asked. “No, Of course you don't believe anything bad about Sara. She's your pet.”


It doesn't matter what I believe. Evidence has been tampered with, and there will be a full investigation. If you're not involved, you have nothing to be concerned about. And you don't do yourself any favours showing up here while you're on suspension.”


Nothing to worry about? Sofia had just put one professional crisis behind her, she didn't need another. Didn't need more suspicions, more gossip, her reputation in ruins before her career even began.


And Sara?” Sofia can't help but ask, in spite of the intense anger burning against Sara. In spite of her concern for her own career and reputation, she can't help that glimmer of concern that shines through it all for Sara's welfare.


If she is guilty, she will lose her job. Possibly face criminal charges. There won't be anything anyone can do for her. She bought it on herself.”


Sofia can't help the stab of pain that shoots through her, in spite of her anger. The thought of Sara losing her job, losing Grissom, losing her purpose in life. It would destroy Sara. The possibility brought Sofia more pain that she thought she was capable feeling for any other persons suffering. Especially a person who brought it all on herself. Just what had Sara been thinking? There was only one way to find out.


Sofia?” Grissom called after her as she reached the doorway. “I say this out of concern for your welfare. Do yourself a favor. Cut her loose.”


Excuse me?”


You think you can save her from herself? You can't. She's only going to drag you down with her. Save yourself, cut Sara loose.”



Chapter 13



As Sara sat alone in her apartment, she wondered why this moment felt so much more painful than any other one moment in her life. She had survived worse. Far worse. Perhaps it was the cumulative effect of life's hardships, perhaps it was all just too much? Perhaps it was the alcohol.


So what? She lost her job. It was just a job. Not life and death.

So what? She lost the respect of Grissom. Had he ever really respected her in the first place? Probably not.

So what? She tried to help Sofia and fucked up things even more. Sofia would get over it. Sofia would clear her name, and move on. Weeks from now Sofia wouldn't remember a thing about this. Sofia wouldn't remember their time together. Sofia wouldn't even remember Sara's name.


The thing Sofia would remember was Officer Bell. She would remember that she never found peace, never knew for sure whose bullet had struck and killed him. That would haunt her for her entire life, and Sara was to blame for that. Perhaps Sofia would remember her after all then. For all the wrong reasons.


Sofia wouldn't remember the nights they spent together. The way their bodies seemed to fit so perfectly in harmony with each other, they way it felt waking up alongside one another. She would remember only pain, rejection, her career in ruins. She would attribute all of that to Sara.


Sara Sidle didn't know why it suddenly felt like she could not go on anymore. Why she just couldn't keep putting one foot in front of the other. It was all she'd been doing all her life, no matter what shit came her way, just putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping on walking. You couldn't really call it 'living' most of the time. Just surviving, day by day. Waiting. For someone to come along. And make it all worthwhile. And someone had come. And gone. And Sara took a moment to stop and wonder, finally, what she had been so intent on living for?


Why had she tried so hard to keep on going? Why couldn't she just lay down and give up? There had always been this intangible thing holding her upright. This thing that grabbed hold of her heart, her spirit, and never let her give in. Suddenly it felt like there was nothing left to hold her up. Suddenly it felt like everything she had ever known was crashing down around her, and there was no way she could come out of this standing strong. Suddenly it felt like she couldn't breathe.


All she knew in that moment was that she could not sit any longer in the lonely darkness, trapped by the four walls of her apartment. She picked up her keys and headed for the door.





Sofia stood once again on Sara Sidle's doorstep, knocking angrily. A mixture of feelings running through her, seething rage, confusion, concern, desire. She pushed her desire and concern aside. She had legitimate reason to be angry and confused. And that gave her legitimate reason to be standing on Sara's doorstep.


Receiving no answer to her intense knocking only fuelled her anger, and she finally let herself in the door using the key that Sara had given her weeks before. Sofia felt like and intruder creeping in to someone else's house uninvited. But Sara's actions, dragging her into this mess and tainting her reputation, gave her the right to go barging in. Briefly, Sofia wondered if Sara might have another woman in side. The thought made her cringe.


To Sofia's relief, there was no other woman stashed away. There was no one, not even Sara. The place was a mess, as if it hadn't been cleaned in weeks. It was unlike the neat and orderly way Sara usually kept her place. The curtains were drawn keeping the place in darkness. Beer bottles were strewn across the floor, and the stench of alcohol filled the place. It was a place of misery, loneliness, self destruction.


Now that Sofia stopped to look, she noticed Sara's car was missing. Surely Sara was not that stupid, or reckless, to go off somewhere driving under the influence of alcohol? Again? Then again, nothing in Sara's behaviour this last week had been anything close to the Sara that Sofia knew.


The thought of Sara doing something so stupid only escalated both Sofia's anger and her concern. Visions filled her head, pictures of accidents, cars smashed up, bodies ripped to shreds, unrecognisable to their loved ones. This should have made her angry, should have made her want to give up on Sara for good, to turn and walk away and never look back. But it only brought back the picture of vulnerability that always came to mind when she envisioned Sara. It only made her want to find Sara, to hold her tightly, to keep her safe.


Briefly Sofia considered calling someone. But what would she say? Sara was in enough trouble without adding drink driving to the list. Besides, she might not have been drinking. Those bottles could be days old. She might not even be driving. She might not be alone. Then how foolish would Sofia look, charging off into the night to rescue Sara? Besides, who was left to call? The only person that came to mind was Grissom. And Sofia has the feeling that he has washed his hands of Sara Sidle. After all, he'd told Sofia to do the same. But then there was that lingering question in the back of her mind- Had Grissom really given up on Sara, or was he only trying to get Sofia out of the way so he could have Sara for himself? Was Sara with Grissom right at that very moment?


Sofia saw the logic in Grissom's warning. And her self preservation instinct was strong. But she couldn't let go of the person she loved so easily. Couldn't stand back and watch Sara destroy herself completely. At the end of the day, yes Sofia was angry and confused, but a job was just a job. And Sara, reckless, self destructive and non-reciprocating of Sofia's feelings as she may be, was a person. The person Sofia loved.


And Sofia would have continued loving Sara, deeply and forever, even if nothing ever changed. But Sofia believed Sara was capable of so much more. Sofia believed if she just loved Sara enough, Sara would feel safe, Sara would find peace, Sara would learn to love her and trust her in return. If she just loved Sara Sidle enough, she might be able to save her from herself.





Chapter 14



Sara drove aimlessly, heading nowhere in particular. It was unsettling having no destination, no where to run to, no where to belong. But it felt good to be moving. Her job had been her identity for so long, what kept her head above water for so many years. And she had just thrown it away. And for what?


For Sofia, she answers herself. The only trouble was- it hadn't helped Sofia in the slightest. It only made things that much worse. What would Sofia make of all of this? How the hell had Sara let Sofia Curtis become such a vital part of her life? Such an essential component of survival that Sara couldn't imagine life continuing without her? And why, if Sara was so deeply besotted with Sofia, had she allowed herself to fuck things up completely in the first place?


Finally, as the car ran out of gas, Sara was forced to pull over on the roadside. She climbed out of the car utterly exhausted. She surveyed the desolation around her, the harsh desert landscape. The night was silent. Lifeless. Sara felt as if she was the only person alive on the planet.


Sara climbed onto the bonnet of her car, resting back against the windshield, looking up to the clear night sky. The infinite stars made her feel insignificant. And somehow less alone. She sat for the longest time, alone, just breathing. Finally, when she could tolerate the pain no longer, she opened the beer bottle in her hand, determined to drink until the pain had turned to numbness.





Sara was dimly aware of someone calling her name. Not just calling her, screaming at her. Swearing at her.


Sara? Sara! What the fuck do you think you're doing?”


It was beyond Sara's power to open her eyes in that moment. And in any case, there wasn't much incentive to do so, with such an unfriendly reception awaiting her.


The next thing Sara knew, she was treated to the rude shock of cold water being thrown in her face.


Hey...” Sara managed to protest, though her speech was slightly slurred. Opening her eyes and wiping the water from her face, she was suddenly aware of Sofia standing before her, like a vision in the moonlight.


What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Sofia repeated her question, although she had deduced already that she was not likely to receive a coherent answer from Sara.


Sara only shook her head slightly, what was she supposed to say? What could she possibly say that would make the slightest bit of difference now? And was that really Sofia standing over her? How had Sofia managed to find her?


Give me your car keys.” Sofia demanded angrily.


I'm not going to drive any where.” Sara protested. “I'm not totally brainless.”


That's debatable.” Sofia mumbled under her breath. “So, You're just going to sleep it off here are you? In the middle of nowhere? On the bonnet of your car? And then what Sara?”


Truthfully, Sara hadn't thought much beyond that. “What's it to you anyway?” She asked Sofia bitterly.


Sofia, tired of waiting for the keys, reached over and snatched them from Sara's pocket.


Who the hell do you think you are?” Sara demanded loudly.


Sofia didn't bother to respond aloud. Silently she answered in her head, 'Who I am Sara, is the crazy fool that loves you, that's who.'


Sofia then reached for Sara's arm, forcefully pulling her off the bonnet of the car and to her feet.


Hey.” Sara protested, but the volume of alcohol she had drunk left her little physical power to fight Sofia off. Sofia pushed Sara along, more than once holding her upright as she stumbled across the uneven ground, unable to walk in a straight line.


I'm not leaving you out here like this, now shut up and get in the car.”


Why not?” Sara asked, as she angrily flung Sofia's arms away from her own.


Why not?” Sofia repeated the question as she stood face to face looking straight into Sara's eyes. “I honestly don't know Sara. I don't know why the hell I don't just turn around and walk away. I don't know what the fuck you're playing at. You treat me like shit, throw everything I ever gave to you back in my face, now you've gone and done god knows what to fuck up both our jobs. Why Sara? Do you hate me that much? I should despise you. I should leave you here to drink yourself to death and never look back.” Sofia paused, hesitating momentarily before putting her heart on the line once again. However, deciding that Sara was far too intoxicated to remember much of this the next day, Sofia continued. “But God help me Sara, I care about what happens to you, and I'm not going to leave you here like this. Get in the car.”


With that, Sofia forcefully pushed Sara into the passenger side of the car, and slammed the door before Sara could respond.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 31st, 2010 04:55 pm (UTC)
Great update to a great story.
It's not that often that I find a good Sara Sofia fic so thanks for writing and sharing.
Feb. 1st, 2010 10:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much once again for the wondeful comments, you made my day totally! It's really disheartening when no one comments on this fic, So I am pleased that at least one person (Aside from me of course) is enjoying it. Thank you for taking time to leave feedback :)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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